THIS ASPIRING ALLY ROAD
Balancing Our View
I have seen it before, and I will see it again.
In fact, I have lived it myself. That moment — the one where, heart racing, cheeks flushed, fingers shaking, we hit the “send” key and off through cyberspace goes our great announcement to the world.
“I am now affirming of LGBTQIA+ people!”
Few would ever admit it…but we congratulate ourselves just a little in that moment. Congratulations and consolation go hand-in-hand on such occasions because we are scared. We feel we have risked a lot.
We have.
And…
There is more to the story we need to understand.
As this journey of mine has progressed over time, there has been a veritable avalanche of learning. Processing mode seems to be my constant state-of-being these days. I no longer recognize myself. My life, my entire way of thinking and seeing the world, and the things I do with my time are radically different. There simply is nothing more interesting, worthwhile, or more compelling to me than to do whatever I can to see an end to oppression.
It’s been amazing. And eye opening.
It is my goal to encourage others to walk this road with me. Therefore, when I recently saw someone online make this heartfelt announcement, I was simultaneously moved and concerned.
Moved because of this new friend’s heartfelt gesture as I saw them pour themselves out to all of us…and…concerned by the unspoken meaning that was shining through. The “Look at me! Look what I’ve done. Celebrate me,” undercurrents that often unbeknownst to them function to pull us all into their orbit rather than putting the focus where it actually belongs.
Oh! Y’all. This is so hard to talk about. The realities here are just too important to go unsaid, though. To really walk this road, there are things we need to learn so we do not unknowingly tear down that we are trying so hard to build.
As I read the person’s proclamation and all the varied responses — everything from, “So glad to hear it,” to rather detailed and direct critiques and directives for how to talk now — the divide was stark. As a general rule, there were no accolades from the LGBTQIA+ community.
As well it should be.
But this can be shocking to people because we simply do not see the water in which we swim.
Though they were not at all balking at the responses they received or acting as if they needed help, with the inside knowledge I have as well as what I’ve seen over the last few months, I had a strong desire to add a little dose of reality into the thread, from slightly-further-along-the-path-aspiring-ally to newly-on-the-path-already-calling-themselves-ally.
So, I did. It went something like this…
Imagine you are driving a car. It is early in the morning, and you have a long journey ahead. The road is twisty, but it is also lovely. You are caught up looking at all the sights — just being you. Everything is glorious.
After some time, the sky begins to darken but you keep driving revealing what feels like new territory. To stay awake, you turn on an audio book and continue to toodle down the road. Unexpectedly, you are momentarily blinded by oncoming lights. This irritates and angers you. You have a few choice words about how wrong and uncaring those other drivers are. In fact, they might not even qualify as real drivers in your book. You no longer hear the story you were listening to, so incensed are you.
As you continue to drive, the lights continue to come at you, but then something you didn’t foresee happens. A couple of cars come alongside you, shining their light out before you. Suddenly, you can see the road clearer than you ever have before and it is wonderful. You begin to have a warm feeling course through you as you reconsider all you thought before.
Triumphant in your newfound understanding, you shout, “Eureka! These lights are glorious!”
You think you have really done something.
But no one claps. They don’t pat you on the back for your revelation. In fact, all the drivers around you are frantically waving and pointing at you wildly. You don’t get it. Didn’t you just do something wonderful?
Can you see where this is going yet?
Yes. You acknowledged that the lights are real and beautiful, which is lovely, but all these other cars around you who’ve been driving with lights the whole time are now trying to get your attention to let you know your lights are not on yet!
Oh, and one more thing…all those bumps you felt in the road along the way? Those were the innocents you ran over as you drove in the dark.
Okay. Breathe a minute.
This is a difficult revelation. At least it was for me. I thought I was doing something great! For me, I never actually had a time of being irritated by the lights. No. In fact, I think I was much worse because I saw the lights, fully acknowledged how awesome they were, and kept quiet about it.
For decades.
I was the nice girl who said it “wasn’t my calling to get involved with all of that.”
I repent.
Now, I would like to share a few things I have learned since I found the light!
Becoming Affirming Is No Badge of Honor.
I thought I had really done something just by proclaiming my affirming stance. I did not know this at the time — or, rather, I could not have put it into words, but I really did expect people to pretty much fall all over themselves to welcome me. When, instead, I was met with guardedness, skepticism, and lots of corrections and no one seemed as elated as I was, to say I was hurt and confused is an understatement.
At the time, all I was aware of was making my internal affirming stance public, which is most definitely a positive step and even a very fraught and difficult one, which is why I thought I had accomplished so much. To me, I was saying “Here I am! I’ve seen the light! I’m ready to help!”
Heaven help us…ignorance meets colonization.
What I was not conscious of at the time is that announcing my affirming stance is another way of saying, “Hello World! I am going to stop harming LGBTQIA+ people now!”
Hardly a thing one might expect accolades for, right? The correct response is, “It’s about time! Now, what are you going to do?”
That shift is a hard one. I was defensive, sad, and felt tremendous guilt. Like countless other times in my life, my experience was centered on me. I have had to learn to decenter myself — and I still do rather poorly at it. What I now know that I want you to understand is — this is normal. It is part of the journey. It is nothing to feel shame over. Don’t let the pain of this make you quit.
It Is Time to Shed the Shame
There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I did something against my values. I did something wrong. That is not how I want to be.”
Shame says, “I, myself, am wrong. I am bad and I need to disappear.”
Shame urges us to hide, to cover, to fake, and create delusions that perpetuate the lies and systemic oppression we are trying so hard to fight.
However, when we become aware of the fact that we have participated in that system, it is easy to slip from guilt to shame. Although guilt feels just as terrible as shame (sorry, folks), it has a far more constructive and hopeful spin as it motivates us to change rather than hide. When we are in shame, we feel overwhelmed, sad, and lost. When we are in guilt, the feeling stinks and there may be some embarrassment, too — but overall, we see with more clarity, we feel determined, energized, and hopeful. There is something wrong and we can contribute to the solution.
Therefore, when I feel the dark and murky wash of shame come over me, I remind myself that this fight is systemic, and by becoming more aware I do not have to participate in that system anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a mess to untangle from and I still mess up…daily — but, as far as I am aware, I can take steps away from “the old way.” I have that power. I have that joy.
I feel sorrow. I feel guilt. I do not feel shame.
This surprising gift can accompany us on the affirmation road to build our stamina and make us far more effective.
I Am Not a Victim
This walk costs something. I have lost my church and a few other people and had some pretty painful experiences over the last year. That is real. It matters. But it was not nearly as costly for me as it is for the LGBTQIA community.
I didn’t think of that. I just wanted that badge.
What I have learned now is — whatever I must give up, whatever price I must pay, however hard I must work to walk this road, it pales in comparison to the pains and losses the LGBTQIA+ community have endured and continue to endure daily.
I am not a victim here. I am not the one who has been harmed.
It is my white, cis-gender, hetero excess from which I draw when sacrifice is required. Whatever pain I am caused, though real, worthy of care, and meaningful, it is not a punishment nor depravation. It is simply the cost of rebuilding equity from widespread injustice…and it is a price that I lovingly pay, even if it hurts sometimes.
I Will Forever Aspire to Allyship
The final learning to share today is around calling myself an ally. This view is not as across-the-board as the others in my experience, but I find it very important.
At first, I labeled myself an ally. After all, I saw the lights. I wanted to let everyone know. I wanted to help.
I won’t even begin a discussion on colonialism here, but please look it up.
Suffice it to say, my focus needs to be on doing better and that is not something I can do completely, certainly not instantly. In fact, I will mess up, and often. When I call myself an ally, it is easy to convince myself I’m “doing it!” and stop paying attention. It is easier to be offended. It is easier to rush in and, bull in a porcelain shop-like, walk right over the very people I want to support. I think I have arrived at the finish line when I have barely found the starting place (to which I will return again and again when I get out-of-bounds, which I inevitably will).
There are many other things I have learned along the way that I may share in the future. These were the thoughts on my heart and mind today. I’ll end with this encouragement:
My dear, newly affirming siblings…I want you to have hope and joy and be glad about your decision — and — I want you to see the reality of this road. We have been part of the problem and it is important to see that. Do not disable your much needed contribution by beating yourself up and drowning in shame as this is unnecessary and helps no one. Understand, if nothing else, that you have caused harm and what you are feeling at the revelation of that is the price of oppression. Whatever your intentions or awareness were is not a factor.
Aspiring to allyship is a worthy journey and if you keep your head about you, stay open, work to earn trust, and express gratitude at the hard work people are doing by teaching you, then you will find a joy and an expansive, abundant life you did not know existed. It’s time to forge the road ahead. Listening, growing, learning, healing.
Keep going. You can do this. You must do this.
