THE MAGIC QUESTION
How to Keep Perspective When Interacting with the Haters
For some time now, I have been working toward the full inclusion of LGBTQIA+ people in the church and world at large.
It has been an interesting road, let me tell you.
Anyone who has ever had an interpersonal battle with clearly defined lines of separation knows that it can get downright hateful — and fast!
The embattled road I am on is no different.
That said, it has been rather surprising, disheartening, and even dehumanizing at times. As a Jesus follower in this space, I feel at times as if there are two Jesus’ — the one who extends His hands across the divide to pull the disenfranchised, oppressed, and hurting into an embrace, and the one who paces the heavens blowing his top over all the ways we earthlings foul things up for him.
I suppose it is obvious now on which side I reside.
A smidge of background.
Growing up with mentally ill parents, then spending a decade and a half in an abusive, controlling, communal cult, I was set up for trouble — and believe me, trouble found me easily.
In 2012, I was living in India, enmeshed in yet another of my long series of destructive relationships. This one nearly saw the end of me and was the final two-by-four blow between the eyes I needed to wake me up and make me desperate enough to make the drastic changes I so needed.
One interesting thing throughout my life, though, was my total acceptance of all humanity. I have never understood prejudice, evil, or what the big deal was about being gay or trans. Despite living in an environment that was vehemently against anything different from us, in the protection and solace of my own mind, I lived lovingly with everyone.
Or so I thought.
The “Ooops” That Changed My Life
Edmund Burke has been attributed with saying, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Despite the qualms I have about the attribution and accuracy of that statement (many things make evil thrive, for example), this does epitomize the way I now feel. Even after the hard work I did to recover from the decades of abuse, I was “just a good girl,” who did not feel it was, “my place/my calling,” to say anything about “these issues.”
Heaven help us.
Flash forward to 2022. I move to a small, rural-ish city in order to be nearer my in-laws who need some assistance. As a therapist who loves working with small groups, I decided to advertise for one of my favorite couples’ groups.
Being the progressive, accepting, “nice girl” that I was, I had created a flyer for my group…and this flyer had two pictures on it. One of a straight couple and one of a gay couple. I had thought nothing of this. After all, I created the flyer.
Then…
Not remembering that, I sent the flyer to my church.
Let me just say, the loudest thunder and lightning storm directly overhead would have been a whisper compared to the heavens shaking loose after that. That is an entire other story I will no doubt write about in the future.
Why I tell you this much now is to let you know how I ended up on the path I now travel, where I believe with all my heart that I cannot be silent. I must speak out, educate (even as I learn), taste my feet, fall down, make mistakes, own them, and get back up and do it all again tomorrow. The passion I feel about this is like nothing I have ever known.
The Magic Question
Now, to the real reason for this article.
In all the work I have done over the last year and a bit, I have been deeply concerned and saddened by the abject hate, vitriol, and propaganda out in the Christian world! It is amazing in all the wrong ways. Yes, this is a judgment, but it is founded on quite solid experiences.
Understand, I am not a techy, social-media maven. I had Twitter (Now, “X,” but I am in full-on rebellion over that. Again, another story for another day), but I only used it to capture odd thoughts I had. My following was in the single digits, and I did not care.
Late last year, one night, I ventured on to Twitter, not really knowing what it was. Within a few weeks, I met some truly outstanding people working in the same space to which I felt called. They were welcoming and instructive. It has been a blessing.
Early on, however, I found myself trapped and intertwined with person after person from the other side. To me, it felt as if they did whatever they could to twist my words, gaslight me, and outright lie about things we both clearly knew were untrue. Initially, I reacted in kind and joined in the endless (and I mean days and days sometimes) back-and-forth of scripture dispute, word definition, and the like. It was exhausting, unproductive, and unkind in many ways.
Being who I am, I began to study and watch myself to see what set me off and try to educate myself on what was happening on the “other side.” As an Interpersonal Neurobiologist that teaches non-pathologizing emotion regulation for a living I was determined to find a way to calmly interact with the haters.
A major trigger was my mystification over how blind to the obvious-to-me error of their ways!
Then, I remembered.
Remembered my past, my experience, and the fact that I lived for decades right where they are.
Knowing what I do about how the brain and body work, I knew I had to come up with a counter-cue that would quickly ground me when I come upon these folks, so I didn’t give up my self-respect or harm them with my endless poking and even occasional name calling. Unprepared for the venom I encountered, my poor frontal brain was “outta here,” at the first major poke from the other side. I came up with a question that has been really helpful for me. It is the namesake for this article and what I wish to share with you.
When faced with someone who seems intent on holding on to untruths as well as unkind (even cruel) behavior, I have been asking:
“What would that person have to admit in order to agree with me right now?”
The Answer to the Question
Let’s take a look at this.
Drawing from a conglomeration of all the people I have met in the last many months, here are some of the things people would have to admit in order to affirm the LGBTQIA+ community:
— I have harmed people
— People I have trusted have taught me wrong
— I have said incorrect things emphatically and with contempt
— YOU and others have SEEN my follow and NOW I have to face you having been wrong/harmful
— The life I have built for myself is on a faulty foundation; I am not sure what I know now
This general list also works for racism, ableism, patriarchy, and other oppressive stances and captures only a tiny bit of what each individual might have to own in order to change.
Why Use the Question?
Most of us would struggle to admit any one of the things on the list, let alone all the others that each person may have individually. It is a lot. It is difficult.
It must be faced.
Asking myself this question is not to soften me so I will give the person I’m interacting with an out. There are no “free passes” to harm others on my watch. The point of this question is to keep my own nervous system unruffled and to give me direction as I attempt to ascertain what specific errors to which they seem to be clinging. It is to keep me securely in strategy rather than reactivity.
It keeps me asking helpful questions rather than engaging in endless debates that lead nowhere.
Do I increase my empathy? Or my distance? Do I have history of the same pain that will allow me to extend a hand or point out a freedom road? What can they be open to right now? What question can I ask to get a foot in the door, lower defenses, and show them I’m not against them but only want that we all learn, grow, and thrive?
Sadly, life in the US being what it is at present, most of the time, the answer to my “magic question,” signals my need to walk away. Twitter is not often the place long-term seeds of change can germinate and grow and I don’t always know enough about the person to get a foothold. I am learning not every skirmish is mine to win or even participate. Discernment is key, not judgment. This question helps me see this clearly so I can let go and move on to places I have more of a chance to make a real difference.
This question may not be helpful to you, but I hope you see the need for strategy, rest, and clarity as you work for change in this increasingly oppositional world. This is not a sprint or a marathon — it is a relay. We need breaks.
May you find what you need to give you that along the way!
