MANAGING DISTRESS IN TURBULANT TIMES

What a difference a day makes!

I planned to write this on Friday, but now it is Monday, and things feel a bit different. In the circles I roam around in, there seems to be a fresh breath of hope.

And…

Life is turbulent. Even joy can overwhelm us at times.

Let’s talk about it.

TWO TYPES OF STRESS

Did you know there are two major types of stress? Most of us are familiar with one of them: Distress. Fewer have heard of its partner: Eustress.

There are a few characteristics that can help us figure out which of these we are experiencing — and knowing that difference can be helpful.

We know we are in DISTRESS when we have intense, “negative” feelings that push us strongly toward getting away from whatever is causing the distress. We might feel anxious, angry, afraid, even despairing or overwhelmed. The situation most often feels outside our ability to manage, even with help and support. If distress goes on for long, we might actually begin to feel sick and may develop a negative or unhelpful lens for all of life as you develop and strengthen your internal defense system.

Some examples might be experiencing false judgments for/about being Queer, losing family members and/or housing, not finding a job when your bills are piling up, or having a micromanaging boss who punishes you in some way for every little error.

EUSTRESS, on the other hand, often feels challenging, but also energizing. The feelings may be intense, but they learn more toward excitement, enthusiasm, curiosity, and determination. We believe we can do the task at hand, even if we need a bit of help, time, or other assistance. The result is often a sense of accomplishment.

Examples of this type of stress include taking on a new project you are excited about that has deadlines or many moving parts, learning something new, building new relationships in a new, affirming community, learning to advocate for yourself, and building new, healthy routines.

OUR AMAZING & AGGRIVATING BRAINS

Experiencing distress is a normal part of human life. Although it is true we often have more choices than we recognize or can even do things to cause situations of distress ourselves, none of this is a character flaw.

Read that again, please.

Our brains are amazing — but they can work against us at times.

Think of your brain as something like the guidance system of an airplane that is pre-programmed to manage predictable situations. The purpose is to keep us safe. However, not every situation is predictable.

Have you ever seen The Terminator movie? Or the Good Doctor? You know how when we look through Arnold’s or Freddie’s eyes and see all the calculations being worked out? That is a lot like how our brains work. Parts of our brain scan the environment and our own bodies looking for inconsistencies and other indicators of potential danger. The brain then filters things into and out of our awareness so we can focus on the needs at hand.

Ever been kept awake by a nearby train only to stop hearing it after a few days? The train didn’t go anywhere. What about when your friend tells you about their new car and you’ve never seen that kind of car before but now, it’s suddenly everywhere? They were always there, you just didn’t notice them!

That’s how powerful our brain filters are!

Once we determine we are in distress, the brain starts weeding out positive and helpful things, so we focus on the problems the brain determines need our attention. Pretty soon, everything starts to feel bleak.

WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?

Great! We are already in distress and now our brains are being rather unhelpful! What can we do?

First, we need to recognize when a distress is likely to be short-term versus long-term and to assess where we can and cannot effect changes.

Below are some ideas for times when the distress will be relatively short-lived and/or you have no ability to end the distress itself, at least for a while.

Find Eustress in the Distress

It is not helpful to deny how difficult an experience is. It can be helpful, though, to find the bits of eustress embedded in the distress. Here are some steps to help with that.

1. Make a list of distressful situations you are currently facing (Yes, write them down). We can’t change something we don’t recognize. Limit it to five for now.

2. Take one at a time and list the various aspects of the distress. You can do this any way you want. One way is to write how the distress affects your time, finances, relationships, physical health, and maybe the tasks involved.

3. Look at each of these and see if there are any pieces you feel you can handle in the energized way mentioned above. The overall weight of the distress may lessen if you can counter it with the energy that comes from any bits of eustress you can find.

Examples: You live at home with your parents who are not affirming, and you find ways to build community outside the home, make a bit of extra money to help in moving out, and/or find safe ways to align with your gender (such as wearing under clothes that feel good). Or someone at your workplace is homophobic or transphobic and you challenge yourself to find ways to counter their hate internally or with colleagues who are affirming.

Use the 5–5–5 Technique

When we are distressed, it can take over everything and feel endless. It is easy to lose perspective. This is normal as our brain resources are hyper-focused on critical elements of our situation. The 5–5–5 technique can help us gain some guideposts that can make things feel a bit more manageable. Here’s how it works.

Whenever faced with something hard, ask yourself:

How will I feel about this in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five weeks? Five months?

That is usually enough but you can go farther if need be. Let’s look at an example.

Sharla has a homophobic colleague, and with help and support, she has decided to talk to her coworker. How will she feel about the exchange in:

Five minutes? Probably nervous as heck, heart racing, sweaty, no fun

Five hours? Calmer. Maybe even at home asleep or resting or at your friend’s house getting

hugs & love

Five days? May be experiencing less jabs by the homophobic colleague. Waking up less

afraid of how the day will go.

Five weeks? Likely back to enjoying work, fully disengaged from the troublesome colleague,

feeling accomplished and proud of yourself.

Can you see how this might help reduce overwhelm?

A couple notes: The answers you give to these questions need to be your best, most educated guesses based on what you know about the situation — and you must remember, they are always guesses. Don’t shame yourself for occasionally getting it wrong. You can always 5–5–5 your way through the results of that, too.

Cool Off & STOP

One of the big problems with handling particular moments of intense distress is how our bodies react during it. When distress hits our nervous systems, the feelings can be very strong and can really mess with our thinking. We can end up far more overwhelmed than necessary and may even make things worse (again, that’s biology, not a character flaw).

Therefore, when you notice a moment of intense distress try the “Cool Down & STOP” Method.

è Cool Down. When emotions threaten to overwhelm, find some ice or an ice pack. Hold the ice in your hands for as long as you possibly can, then drop it and put your cold hands on your cheeks and forehead for at least 30–60 seconds. This will lower your cortisol and adrenaline and calm your body so you can think more clearly.

If things are still not going well, move on to STOP:

Stop! Freeze. Don’t move. DON’T THINK. Stop fueling the fire of distress with your thoughts.

Take a Step Back. Get out of the situation and into your body. Re-center. Consider focusing all your attention on counting your breath.

Observe the Present Moment. Lots of the intensity we feel in a current moment of distress comes from trauma we’ve experienced in the past. Notice what is happening right now. Who is involved? What actually happened (chain of events)? What does it remind you of? What level of reaction is actually needed in this moment?

Proceed Mindfully. Move forward in your words, actions, and decisions by keeping your values, the actual happenings of the present moment, and your big picture hopes and needs in mind.

Life is often unpredictable and can be unstable. Even if things are going well and looking hopeful, any area of our lives can change. We can also overload ourselves with too much eustress, believe it or not!

Keeping an eye on our life, being intentional, and taking steps to do what we can to reduce distress is important. We never need to feel bad when we want to change or move out of a distressful situation. When we can’t, or we can’t do it quickly, it can help to reduce the mental and emotional weight of the situation as best we can.

So — here’s to hoping for more and more joy ahead — and for ways to carry on in its absence!

Hannah Smith, MA LMHC CGP, is an author, business owner, national speaker & educator, and long-time, neuroscience-informed trauma therapist. As an aspiring ally and activist for the LGBTQIA+ community as well as wife & mom in her own Queer family, she is secretary of her local PFLAG chapter and is active on Twitter (@Jubilee4CHANGE). Hannah seeks daily to build bridges and educate in clinical, academic, corporate, and social media settings as well as in faith spaces and in the community at large. Her dream is to live in a world that is safe and inclusive for everyone.